Top 10 phobias

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The top 10 weird phobias from around the world

A lot of us have similar hang-ups that give us the heebie-jeebies, whether we freely admit them or not. Fear of commitment. Fear of public speaking. Fear of getting caught with the boss’ daughter. All of them are so common, they’re more or less considered normal. Other phobias are really random, and however unlikely, people still freak out about them. There’s chorophobia, for example, which is the fear of dancing. It’s also unusual in that it’s quite possibly the only phobia curable by alcohol. Another one on the fringe is the fear of food, or cibophobia. Armed with that morsel, at least we know one more difference between Nicole Richie andBritney Spears. And some phobias haven't officially been medically-deemed so and yet  they still scare the bejesus out of us. Here come our top 10 weird phobias.

Number 10

Phobophobia

Fear of fear or fear of developing a phobia

How common is it? Don’t worry about it and you’ll be controlling the count…

Somehow, FDR’s first inaugural address wouldn’t have sounded as snappy if he assured us we have nothing to fear but phobophobia. The fear of fear, or the fear of developing a phobia, lands as our No. 10 phobia and one that strikes as either really avoidable or really tough to cure. It's not an "official" phobia, so when the notion first occurs, you’re best off being too lazy to spend the time and effort establishing it. That’s because once you’re in, you’re in.

Number 9

Nephophobia

Fear of clouds

How common is it?  Not very, but a strong concern among those on solar-powered life support…

At No. 9, we have what could alternately be an interruption to natural Vitamin D intake. OK, the dark and/or funnel variety can be cause for concern, but what’s wrong with the placidly floating puffy guys? Puzzling. Generally speaking, if you identify with this and you live in England, you’re jolly-well screwed. A bout of nephophobia could be all the more reason to relocate to the Caribbean. So, do you think an HMO would buy that excuse? We’re just saying…

Number 8

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

Fear of long words

How common is it? Well, the White House is concerned, though we’re not sure whether that reflects a national crisis or a personal interest…

Consider the typical CEO’s penchant for $20-words to explain why he got a performance bonus for driving his company further down the tubes. Think back to lecturing college professors trying to justify their tenure with syllables gone wild. Or just turn on your local public access TV channel and watch wacko activists’ rants about government conspiracies involving sunflowers. Given all that, we can easily see why you’d want to steer clear of long words, but we didn’t always know our No. 8 existed as a phobia. Now that we do, we’re intrigued by its multidimensionality.

Number 7

Cacophobia

Fear of ugliness 

How common is it? Our informal research suggests it’s especially isolated around bars, sororities and the state of California…

We suppose the PC alternative to “ugly” would be something like “minimally screwable.” Screw that. Nobody seems to bother with putting an attractive face on ugly, and though it ain’t pretty, ugly is everywhere. A weird enough phobia to double-bag its way to No. 7, but it’s everywhere. It’s been lucrative in cinema (Coyote Ugly) and television (Ugly Betty). It’s been the cornerstone of “yo' momma” jokes and high school cheers for decades. It’s more or less unavoidable with puberty. So while it may be a foregone conclusion of life, plastic surgeons will always be thankful for cacophobia.

Six more weird phobias...

Number 6

Linonophobia

Fear of string

How common is it? Basically non-existent -- among cats, anyway…

Really, what could string ever do to someone to elicit such fear? Rope, that we can begin to understand. Rope can be used to tie somebody up. Rope can be used for hanging. Rope can get you dirty if you’re playing tug of war or cause a superficial burn on the skin. Come to think of it, rope doesn’t make for a very good phobia either. So what’s string? That’s mini rope. That’s rope lite. That’s diet rope. That’s rope’s bitch. And for that, our No. 6 phobia has people worried? Unless they know something about string that we don’t…

Number 5

Epistemophobia

Fear of knowledge

How common is it? We’re afraid we don’t know -- or is it that we’re happy we don’t know?

People suffering from our No. 5 phobia won’t want to investigate this or any of our top phobias very much. Learning can only make things worse. For these folks, ignorance really is bliss. We’re just a little perturbed we weren’t aware of our No. 5 phobia in high school, when it could’ve come in handy as an excuse to cut class.  

Number 4

Vestiophobia

Fear of clothing

How common is it? Ever been to a European beach?

As titillating as our No. 4 phobia may sound, it’s one that doesn’t appear to single out young, athletic women. Having traveled abroad, we’re sad to report our No. 4 phobia seems more likely to afflict the dumpy, potato-shaped, middle-aged men of Europe. Unless that happens to be yourfetish, this goes down as a phobia with wasted potential.

Number 3

Arachibutyrophobia

Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth

How common is it? Are you kidding? One case is too common…

OK, shouldn’t this be one of the easiest phobias to manage, unless you’re a dog? Our No. 3 weird phobia (which, again, hasn't been officially categorized as a medical disorder) gets a high rating based on premise alone. You might as well have a phobia about traveling to Connecticut on August 28th. Unless you’re physically indisposed and being force fed, you can avoid arachibutyrophobia completely. We suggest you start by not ingesting peanut butter. And if you are being force-fed peanut butter, it’s possible you have greater immediate concerns than the cream of legume coagulating on your palate.

Number 2

Papaphobia

Fear of the Pope

How common is it? Exceptionally prevalent in Guam -- don’t ask us why…

We’ll resist taking a hackneyed potshot atSinead O’Connor and celebrate our runner-up weird phobia at face value. Come on, fear of the Pope? Why does the papal reign scare the bejesus out of people? Could it be the Popemobile? That whole Latin Mass controversy? The hat? It’s the hat, isn’t it? OK, the pistachio hat is a little off-putting, we’ll grant you that. But what would you have him wear? A derby? A beret? A ski mask? A Stetson? You know, seeing His Holiness in a 10-gallon fedora would be creepy for obvious reasons and it wouldn’t accomplish anything except mass conversion to Protestant faiths.  

Number 1

Panophobia

Fear of everything

How common is it? Tough to tell. Panophobes fear the question, fear answering the question, fear being chased by strangers for an answer -- it’s a no-win situation…

And you think you have bad days? When you have panophobia, there’s absolutely nothing you can do, by definition, that won’t make you want to perpetually fill your drawers. This would even include a fear of managing the phobia. Or the thought of the fear of managing the phobia. Or the thought of the thought of the fear of managing the phobia... and so on.